Life sucks in general
by Neko Akuma Uchiha
Summary: you think your life sucks? well, your probobly right, but now it's the naruto characters turn for suckage! join naruto, sasuke and kakashi we don't care much about sakura on their adventures against suckage and the akatsuki!
1. Life sucks for Sasuke!

That morning, Sasuke awoke with a throbbing pain in the back of his head. He stirred from being half knocked out, and tried to recall what had happened. He had been walking home from that day's mission when Sakura had popped out of the bushes. He had just been expecting another stuttering rant about training together, when WHAM! Everything went black.

"Ugh…" he grunted and tried to sit up strait, and then fell back down with a clunk, when he realized that the pain in his head was a lot more then from just one whack in the head. He strained to remember anything else that had happened, and managed to bring up a vague picture of fuzzy pink shapes, then girlish, familiar giggling and muttering. He couldn't make out what they where saying, because they had gotten quiet when he opened his eyes more. Then it had gone black again

"Uhh... Sakura? Ino?" he ignored the pain in his head and sat up. He blinked sleepily and looked around. He was in a ditch. It was muddy and very wet. Realizing this, he sort of snapped back together.

"Where am I?!" he gasped as he struggled against the ropes he had just realized were around his wrists and ankles. He tried to get a kunai from his shuriken pouch, and then realized with a shock that it wasn't at the side of his leg as it normally was. In fact, he wasn't even wearing his normal clothes! What he was wearing was a pink, chiffon plastic-y princess dress and fairy wings. His face turned as white as paper. Not that it wasn't already.

"O-oh GOD!" he muttered looking at his painted toenails. "AAAH! Help! Anyone!!!" he shouted, squirming around in the mud.

"Hiya." Came a yawn from nearby. Sasuke yelped in surprise, and turned quickly toward where the voice was coming from, to see a ninja laying there as if some one had thrown him.

"Sh-shikamaru?" Sasuke gasped, "How long have you been there?"

"Long enough." Said Shikamaru, he stared up at the sky with a bored look on his face. "You looked like a fairy princess some one had mugged for being too emo."

"Y-you saw that?" Sasuke stuttered a bit of red came into his cheeks.

"Did you know you talk in your sleep? Mommy! Daddy! Oh, why brother,

WHY!" he put on a high pitched nasal voice and closed his eyes, tossing his head back dramatically, then snorted "It was hilarious."

"Don't you tell _anyone_ about this!" Sasuke growled, his whole face looked scarlet. "Or else I'm coming and giving you the p0wning you deserve!"

"Ok, ok! Sheesh!" said Shikamaru with a smug grin. He got up and untied Sasuke, who once free, jumped up and nearly cracked his head on a low hanging branch. He then eagerly stumbled toward the road, which luckily didn't have a good view of the ditch.

"Where yah goin', your highness?" Shikamaru called after him, addressing the tiara tangled into Sasuke's matted hair. Then Sasuke remembered he was covered in a thick layer of mud and sparkles. He grumbled something indistinguishable then marched back up to where Shikamaru was leaning against a tree.

"Well, what do you propose I should do?" Sasuke spat bitterly. Shikamaru pointed at Sasuke's pant leg and collar which were sticking out from underneath the dress.

"You might want to take off the dress." He said, still grinning. "Or if you like that, at least the fairy wings and tiara. I think Barbie will want them back soon."

Sasuke just grumbled and ripped the dress of over his head, and sure enough, he was still wearing his clothes underneath. He threw the mess of sparkles at Shikamaru.

"Oh, and you left your wand." He said throwing the pinkness into the bushes and shoving a plastic wand topped with a heart into Sasuke's hands. It started blinking and playing a theme song to some little kid's show. He hit Shikamaru in the head with it. It made a strange noise akin to a dying, pink animal.

"I thought you might want it!" Shikamaru said sarcastically. Then added, "Ken's gonna be _maaaad!_"

"Well then I-"Sasuke started angrily, pointing the wand at Shikamaru, then realized that there was a piece of paper tied onto it with a little, black ribbon. He hastily untied it, peeled of the piece of paper and unfolded it. There was a note, written in neat cursive that looked like it came from a fountain pen. Sasuke's heart jumped and he turned even whiter then before when he recognized the sleek, graceful lettering. It was cut in a perfect square with a fancy looking border twining around the edges. It read:

Dear Sasuke-kun.

It has been such a long time since I've seen you! I was just visiting Konoha, when I happened to stumble upon some of your friends. Well, they said they were your friends… one of them had pink hair and said her name was some type of flower… I think a peach blossom…

His eyes widened as he read that part. He had never really cared for Sakura, in fact, he thought she was extremely annoying. But just the thought of repeating what had happened when he was 7 sent terror through all of his body. He hesitantly read on.

Anyway, she said she liked you, so did the other one, the blond haired girl. And I just took this as a chance to do something nice for my little brother. I told them I was your brother, I didn't do anything, I just gave them shall we say… a suggestion. They were quite glad when I told them my plan, and they agreed to help me carry it out.

Sasuke didn't want to finish reading. In fact, he wanted to crumple up the piece of paper and through it in the ditch, so the ink would drain away in the mud. He wanted this even more then he had wanted Minutes to Midnight when it first came out. But he couldn't stop. If he didn't, he felt, something very, VERY bad would happen, and he would be oblivious to anything about it.

I do hope I can soon visit you in person, since this time, I have been here on business. I'm guessing you'll enjoy the birthday present I've left you,

Itachi.

P.S, Kisame sends his regards.

By now, Shikamaru was wondering what was on the small piece of paper that could make Sasuke turn colors so quickly. He leaned over the note and read it, though he was not too scared. He slinked back to the tree he had been leaning against.

"So what? You have an evil big brother?" Shikamaru shrugged. Sasuke looked up from the note. "It's not like he, I dunno, killed your family-" He trailed off when he realized that Sasuke was nodding solemnly.

"Well then, _that's _something to be afraid of." Shikamaru was suddenly very thankful that he didn't have a big brother


	2. Life doesn't suck as much fro naruto!

Meanwhile, across town, Naruto had just realized that he had put his wallet in his shuriken holster, feeling stupid, (not that he wasn't normally) he just grumbled about stuff while the nice man at Ichiraku ramen cooked. A large bowl of Miso ramen was served, and Naruto inhaled the smell of it, as he always did when feeling sad, because in his mind, ramen can fix anything. He clapped his hands together, giggling, loomed over the bowl, and was about to dig in to this feast, when he heard a snap to his left, as if someone was separating chopsticks.

He looked up to see a man, clothed entirely in black robes with red clouds on them and a high collar, which concealed his face. A rice hat was perched on his head, which made it so all that could be seen of his face was his jet black bangs, and two lines that ran down near the sides of his nose, like wrinkles or scars. This was strange, since Naruto hadn't seen or heard him come and he stared at him, puzzled, his head cocked to one side, as he watched a bowl of curry ramen being put out in front of the man, who bowed his head, and mumbled a thank you.

Apparently, he had noticed Naruto looking at him oh-so-ignorantly, so he looked up, and Naruto was able to see his whole face. A chill ran down his spin, throwing him into chibi, so he did a sort of duck like motion and stared down at his ramen. But something about that face had seemed familiar, the pale skin, the black eyes that made him look like he was always grimacing, the way his bangs fell down on his face… That was it! He looked like Sasuke! But somehow, all these features had looked better on this stranger then on his angst-y team mate.

"Err…" He looked up, and grumbled. "Have I seen you before?"

"I highly doubt that." Said the man, his voice sounded icy, like that of a murderer, like someone who had killed off his entire clan to see what he was capable of.

"Well, I'm Naruto Uzumaki!" Said Naruto proudly, he always tried to make friends with the villagers that didn't' already hate him. "And I'm gonna be the 5th Hokage some day!"

"Are you?" Though Naruto couldn't see his mouth, he had a feeling this man was smiling. "I'm Itachi."

"Well, pleased to meet cha!" said Naruto, offering his hand. Suddenly, something sparked in his brain. Hadn't Sasuke said something about an Itachi? Or was he just calling Naruto a weasel?

Itachi just stared at him, and went back to eating his ramen. Naruto was confused. Who doesn't shake hands when they meet? That's just plan creepy! He decided finishing his ramen would help.

Once Naruto was about halfway through his bowl, Itachi set the wooden chopsticks across the rim of his, and pushed it off to one side. He got up to leave, when some one else came in, right in front of Itachi. This man was also wearing a rice hat and black, red cloud cloak, though his skin looked blue-ish, and Naruto thought he saw gills near the edge of his face. Naw, it's just the lighting, thought Naruto.

"OK, we can have ramen now, right?" The new comer said.

"Already finished" Itachi said pushing past him

"Aw! You always do that! You say, 'hey, why don't we stop for ramen, I'll buy!' and then when poor Kisame comes along, you've already finished! Well that's just great! Now I'll starve!" Naruto heard the blue man say as he followed Itachi who had just walked out.

"Quiet. Don't you always have a fish bar in your pocket, or something?" that was Itachi's voice.

"But it's not the same!" Naruto heard the other one grumbling.

Naruto was very, _very_ confused. So he went back to eating his ramen. He quickly emptied the bowl of all noodles, then brought it to his lip and tipped it back, draining all the broth into his mouth. He slammed the bowl onto the counter, and bounced off of his stool.

He was waving good bye and shouting a thank you at the ramen-man, when he noticed something on the ground. It was a blue iPod Nano, just lying on the ground. Naruto was unable to control the urge, so he hastily grabbed it from the ground and turned it on. He flipped through the play lists while walking out of the shop, and happened upon the 'Top Rated' list. He decided to see what music whoever had dropped the valuable piece of technology liked.

I'm Blue, Fish Heads, Blue… Naruto giggled. This must be that blue guy's iPod! He joked to himself. He then exited the play list and decided to see if he had any worthwhile music on there. He skimmed through the artist, and found a name he recognized.

"Yes! Weird Al!" Naruto was delighted; the iPod seemed to be stocked with every Weird Al song he could think of, so he started listening to Albuquerque on the way to the training grounds.

He arrived long before Kakashi sensei, though he was still an hour later then the set time to come, so Sakura was there, perched in a tree branch.

"Hey Sakura!" said Naruto ecstatically, "Guess what happened to me today!"

"What is it?" Said Sakura, there was a bored tone in her voice.

"I found a free iPod!" Naruto said waving it in the air.

"Oh, wow." Sakura rolled her eyes. Then a thought came into her head (wow! That never happens!) "Hey, do we even _have_ iPods? I mean, we're ninja, right?"

"I never thought of that…" said Naruto. 3rd time today he was confused about something.

"Weird, isn't it?" said Sakura "apparently we have computers too. But we don't have guns or cars…"

"Ok, that is just freaky." Naruto nodded, with an astonished look on his face. "But anyway, looky! iPod!!" Naruto went back to waving it in the air.

"So are you gonna return it?" Sakura said, going back to brushing her hair.

"What? Why would I do that? This thing's got _weird al _on it!" he said, drawing in his hand and shoving it into his pocket.

"Ever heard of _karma?_" Sakura said, drawing out the syllables in karma.

"Heard of what?"

Sakura just sighed in response.

"But something else happened to me today!" Naruto said, bouncing up and down.

"Really? What? Did you steal something else?" Sakura asked sarcastically.

"Nope! I saw this really weird guy at Ichiraku ramen!" Naruto said excitedly. The sarcasm had apparently blown passed his head like… like… I can't think of a good simmily, so I'll say a spring breeze.

"He was wearing a black cloak with funny read clouds, and a rice hat and looked a lot like Sasuke and said his name was Itachi." Naruto went on explaining his morning, to Sakura who was pretending not to listen, but really was listening intently.

"Wait…." Big day for Sakura! 2 thoughts! "Didn't Sasuke say something about Itachi? Or was he just calling you a weasel?"

"Exactly what I thought!" Naruto said nodding ponderously.

"Hey, I think something similar happened to me…" she trailed off, trying to recall the event, "Oh yeah! I was walking and bickering with Ino, when I saw a guy who said he was Sasuke's brother, who looked like Sasuke but a lot better, and he told us to…" she stopped, and giggled.

"What? He told you to what?" Naruto had perched himself in a tree branch.

They both jumped, and Naruto almost fell out of the tree when there came a rustling in the bushes. They simultaneously pulled out kunai knives, when a dark figure stepped out. The wind blew a couple of leaves past, and the clouds made the bushes send shadows sprawling across the ground, hiding the face of the person. Yes, this would have been a rather impressive entry, if Sasuke didn't have mud and leaves sticking to him, and if he had taken the time to get the barrettes out of his hair.

Naruto and Sakura started snickering at him from the trees, and Sasuke looked up at them, scowling.

"SAKURAAA!!" he growled through gritted teeth.

Sakura stifled a laugh and covered her mouth and Naruto bit his lip when they heard the anger in Sasuke's voice. He walked slowly toward them, trying to look as threatening as possible, though that was kind of hard.

"Explain." He growled, holding out a clenched fist with painted fingernails to Sakura.

"Well, _that _was Ino's fault!" she said shrugging uneasily.

Sasuke then ripped out a barrette along with a couple strands of hair.

"Ok, that one was me." She said blushing.

Sasuke growled menacingly, and Sakura lurched back against the tree. She was really regretting listening to Itachi.

To their left came the sound of some one clearing their throat. They all turned, one after the other, making them look like idiots. Kakashi was leaning against a tree. He appeared to have just closed a copy of Icha-Icha Paradise he'd just reread for the near hundredth time.

"Today, we have been assigned to make a very important delivery. A lord in one of the near by villages is bedridden, and believes the cargo to be _very _important." He said strolling over to their general direction. He glanced at Sasuke. "And you might want to look at least presentable, we'll be dropping of the delivery in person, and we wouldn't want him to think we've just woke up in a ditch, now would we?"

Sasuke scowled at this remark, and brushed off some of the leaves.


	3. Now it's Itachis turn

Kisame had been nagging Itachi about how hungry he was, since he had skipped breakfast to make room for the ramen he didn't get. Eventually, Itachi become rather annoyed, and his options were narrowed down. Kill Kisame, or stop for food. Since he might need a meat shield in case of battle, Itachi decided to stop for donuts.

"DONUTS!!!" Kisame squealed with glee as they approached the shop with a big sign reading 'OMG Donuts' in front. He continued to skip merrily up to the door. Itachi began rethinking his choice.

"I said, 'you got any _glazed _donuts?' he said 'NOO! We're outa glazed donuts!'" Kisame seemed to have a weird al song lyric for every occasion. Itachi had to hold back from lodging a shuriken into Kisame's back, or even better, use Tsukuyomi, watching the horror come into his face when he realized that his partner had betrayed him, and enjoy the shrieks of pain, experiencing 72 hours of torment in mere moments.

"Hey Itachi, can I borrow some money?" Kisame nudged him in the arm; apparently they were already at the counter.

"You never come prepared, do you?" Sighed Itachi, and pulled out his purse, which was decorated with red clouds. He had got it for free when he joined the Akatsuki. He pulled out a 1000 yen note and handed it to Kisame.

"DONUTS??!!" came a yell from the door. "We're on a mission to get _donuts _for some rich old guy with a cold?!" Itachi looked up to see what the commotion was, though he knew who the voice belonged to. Naruto, whose face was red and huge with a vain in the corner, was yelling at Kakashi, who just continued walking up to the counter. Sasuke trailed behind them, with the same look he always had, though a little more angry then usual. Sakura looked sad, and just followed Kakashi.

"Strange." Mumbled Itachi, "two of those people I met in a span of two days, and one's my brother."

"Well, that one in that black _does _kind of look like you." Kisame said, surveying the group. Itachi shot him an icy glance and a chill ran down Kisames spine. Itachi did that whenever Kisame said something wrong.

Naruto seemed to have seen them.

"Itachi!" yelled Naruto

"That guy who looks better then Sasuke!" cried Sakura

"BROTHER??!!" Sasuke almost screamed.

"Partner in crime!" Kisame declared and hugged Itachi, who wrenched him off and pointed a Kunai knife at him threateningly.

"What's wrong, little brother?" Itachi added, pocketing the kunai knife, as he noticed how extremely murderously Sasuke was staring at him. "You shouldn't be bitter about past quarrels!"

"You killed my parents!" Sasuke screamed, his voice cracking with fury.

"Hmm... I don't seem to recall! Wait, I might have seen them. Black hair? Sharingan?" Itachi said, pretending to think. Sasuke's eye twitched. Itachi smiled, torture gave him much pleasure.

"You made my fan-club throw me in a ditch!"

"Kisame's fault." Itachi pointed at his partner.

"Oi! I'm not taking the blame _again_!" Kisame complained, when suddenly, something sparked in the heads of Sasuke's slow team mates.

"YOU'RE HIS BROTHER??!!" Sakura and Naruto burst out in unison.

"I'm proud of my team." Kakashi sighed, rolling his eyes.

Suddenly, Sasuke was struck by an overcoming wave of emo.

"Why me?!" He sobbed into his hands, "my life sucks! Everyone's stupid! I'm not strong enough! Everyone sucks!" He continued bawling, and then fell onto Kakashi's shoulder for support. Kakashi tried to wrench him off with a kunai knife, but Sasuke had a really good grip to his sleeve.

"Especially you", Sasuke added, jabbing a finger at his brother, who grinned broadly.

The cashier, who had been hiding under the counter, quickly slid a small butcher paper bag containing a donut in the direction of Kisame. Who turned around swiftly and snatched it up greedily.

"Th-that'll be 299 yen", the donut guy stuttered. Kisame tugged on Itachi's sleeve and held out his hand. Itachi sighed and gave him the money. Kisame set them on the counter in front of the cash register.

"If it's not too much trouble", Itachi turned to team 7 with a small bow, "we're leaving."

"You are NOT!" Sasuke roared, obviously he had gotten over his depression. The room was suddenly filled with a chirping noise and the chakra from Sasuke's hand seemed to fly around him like pale blue lightning, its light casting on his face, twisted with fury.

Yelling, he charged at Itachi, who calmly side-stepped. Sasuke slammed into the counter, toppled over it and landed with a heavy thud among the wreckage caused by using chidori in a donut shop. A feeble groan could be hears from where he was now buried.

"Shouldn't we help him?" asked Naruto looking up at Kakashi

"Nah." He replied, "This is funny."

"Sasuke!" cried Sakura.

"Oh, right, and _you're_ going to help him?" Kakashi suggested sarcastically

"Help?" Sakura looked genuinely confused.

Kakashi sighed. Why the heck was _he_ assigned to this group? It was like making an anbu black ops baby-sit some mentally challenged genin! This, sadly, was the case exactly.

"Don't worry Sasuke!" Naruto exclaimed, pulling up his sleeves, "I'll take these guys down!" Meanwhile, Itachi tried to suppress laughter.

"Naruto you idiot!" Kakashi pulled him back by the collar of his coat "you don't stand a chance! These guys are S-rank bingo-book criminals! You'll get ki…." He stopped and realized what he was saying, "No wait, do your best." He added letting go and pushing Naruto forward.

"NO!" Sasuke cried, springing up from under the collapsed counter rather heroically, "I won't let you fight for me, I need to avenge my clan for myself."

"Avenge your clan?" Naruto looked surprised, "Why would I do that for you? This guy didn't shake hands with me when I met him! That's just wrong. I'm doing this for my own reasons.

"OH EM GEE!!" Sakura squealed, "Your selfishness and lack of concern for others is SO COOL!!!"

While Naruto was basking in the glory of the moment, Itachi and Kisame were just standing there, watching Naruto being idiotic.

"Wait, the blonde ones Kyubi, right?" Kisame asked, turning to Itachi and pointing at Naruto.

Itachi nodded as a reply, without even glancing in Kisame's direction.

"Well then, shall I?" Kisame said in chiller font, gripping Samehada's handle, a note of gleeful malice in his voice. His multiple personality disorder was kicking in. Itachi nodded again, causing a smile to spread across Kisame's face. He suddenly sprung into action, grabbing Naruto by his coat collar and running out of the store, Itachi following.

"Remember, little brother," Itachi called back to Sasuke, "always, ALWAYS get chili on our nachos bell grande!"


End file.
